allright. i’ve come to term with a few things that i need help on. seriously. if anyone knows how i can get help without contacting adults, i’d really appreciate it. like, as soon as freaking possible, because i think some of this could get dangerous.
i’m only going to tackle one issue at a time, so here’s the first.
#1: i have an eating disorder
i’ve suspected this for a while now, but i only admitted it to myself recently. it’s not like i make myself throw up or something similar. i just don’t eat. i rarely eat now, and if i do, i don’t eat much, and haven’t for about a year now. i remember i first started really controlling my food intake last year just before prom, when a few of my female friends (who are thin and toned and absolutely gorgeous) started talking about going on prom diets. they were all much thinner than myself, and if they were considered fat, then i must be worse. they stopped dieting after prom; i didn’t. i lost thirteen pounds in the course of three months, and was incredibly proud that i’d done so. since then, my weight has been steadily dropping, but it now hovers around 139….. and i’m 5’7. this isn’t healthy. it should be much lower, and not just from a societal bandwagon standpoint. i exercise, and eat less and less, but i can’t seem to drop anymore. i’ve stopped eating at school completely, and if left to my own devices, i won’t usually eat dinner at home. i’ll eat a lot of food when i’m with my family, or out in public, but i’ll feel disgustedly sick with myself for days, and i’ll sense the food sitting in a lump in the base of my stomach, so heavy it literally makes me sick. the worst part is, because i’ve read numerous anatomy textbooks and taken so many health science courses, i know tricks that most people don’t. i know that eating breakfast jumps your metabolism, so i’ve started eating a small breakfast each morning. not because it’s healthy; because my body will recognize the food and begin burning the energy early in the morning, instead of at noon, and will continue burning through my body for hours longer than it would have if i had waited until lunchtime to eat.
i’ve gotten to the point that, now, i can’t believe any compliments that i’m given because they’ve been contradicted more. my friends zara and Mary tell me i’m skinny…. but i wear clothes that fit in such a way that they hide my stomach. i can’t believe when my boyfriend says he thinks i’m beautiful. my whole person, body and mind, rebels, and would rather believe that he’s lying to get sex instead of accept that he might actually think i’m attractive. it’s uncontrollable and pathetic.
the people around me don’t help my self image much. everyone i am good friends with is either very toned and muscled, or is naturally petite. one of my best friends Alex is 5’10” and complains on a regular basis about how he, at 125 pounds, a weight which i could only dream of achieving, is “disgustingly overweight”. even my boyfriend agrees that there are lots of girls prettier than me. he says he’ll break up with me if i ever get overweight, because all attraction will cease, and he’s also pointed out that i’m larger than any girl he’s dated before. that is slightly terrifying to me, that my appearance matters so much. my eating habits have actually gotten much worse since i started dating him, because i felt- i feel i need to be skinnier for me to keep him. i mean, i’m already really insecure to begin with, especially in relationships, and then he says this. i don’t know if he was joking or not, but it didn’t sound like it.
the reason i’m asking for help is because i can see a pattern emerging, and i know it’s dangerous, especially now that it’s starting to get out of control. i can’t talk to my parents because they won’t take me seriously.
please. anything would be better than nothing.